haphazard thoughts

I have been absent…. absent…. absent….. for a long long time….. But my absence in this virtual world was marked by my real presence in the real world…. the real, real world! You might have already noticed the recurring of words in my sentences…. don’t misconstrue my disposition… I am not drunk.. I’m not!!! This is how I talk these days…. and I am loving the way I am being profound in expressing my thoughts in this twitter struck world where expressions are limited to 140 characters to the max!

Lot of things befell in the past 2 to 3 months….. IPL extravaganza, Shashi Tharoor stepping down from power, Lalit Modi’s downfall, Indian cricket teams ouster from T20 WC, Kerala Congress (Mani & Joseph) merger to become Kerala Congress (Johny) :-), Sania- Shoib wedding, Laila cyclone, Cochin IPL team, Maoist attacks, IPad launch, 3G auction, Bhopal Gas Tragedy verdict, Vishy becomes World Chess Champion, union of Ambani bros, and lots more….. I wanted to write about all these….. but a bigger twist occurred in my life which shook me from head to toe!!!! I got engaged to get married!!!!

Strange are the ways of matrimony…. or say arranged marriage…. your parents find your partner…. you start talking to this complete stranger with the strange motive of falling in love…. you plan your life with that person… in the course of time that person becomes close to you…. and you fall in love… arranged love! I never believed in this strange method but now I am a part of it… and soon started basking in it! But much depends on your partner.. his/her character, the way he/she carries herself/himself etc etc… so far it has been a joy ride… though with highs and lows, ups and downs… but end of the day we realize that we exist for a reason and with that realization we wipe our tears, leave everything behind and walk through the beautiful meadows and pastures…… towards the aeonian horizon… hand in hand…. and you whisper in each others ears…. love is here, life is here!!!

Pic courtesy- internet


I had a bagful of resolutions to start this new year. Being the 20th day of the new year, I did a recap to analyze the success of my resolutions. As expected, none of the resolutions were even kick started, let alone fulfilled. The only thing that is still unchanged is my desire for change. “Desire” should be read as The-feeling-that-accompanies-an-unsatisfied-state!!!

The list goes like this:

1. Quit smoking: It has always adorned my resolutions list for the past few years and has been considered as the top priority. No results yet!

2. Save money: To learn the art of perseverance to save at least a morsel of what I earn. But I understand that I lack tenaciousness of those little creatures- Ants! No prizes for guessing the result!!

3. Be a good son: Always a top priority but still unfulfilled! Spend more time with the family.

4. Growth: Don’t misunderstand this term for the lateral, medial, horizontal or vertical growth of my body. It has nothing to do with my physique. Growth here is strictly related to my professional growth- either in the same milieu or some other greener pastures.

Now on I am not going to explain the results because I have already described it in the first paragraph.

5. Get married: To be on course with the orthodox world. OR for social, physical and emotional balance or imbalance… whatever!!!

6. Go dutch: Not to sponsor or put the bigger share in any more parties or weekly get togethers. Not to spent plenteously. This is an extension of point 2.

7. Limit pro bono activities: Though a negative resolution, I would like to limit whatever pro bono activities I used to do. Again an extension of point 2.

8. Work out regularly: Do exercises and increase all physical activities to keep my body fit and fat free. To take a control over all life style related diseases. It is related to point 1 but has no relation with point 4.

9. Be a good friend: I bet I am one but  a bit of refining is required. This is last in my list because it requires minimal effort but is still unrealized!

10. Final one: This is a secret resolution!! No wild guesses please….. 🙂

It has been months and years since the derailment… Unquestionably it had some immediate casualties but in the long run everyone associated with it.. survived!! Looking back, it was a tale of love, passion, lust, deceit, mudslinging, lying, hurt, infatuation and what not…. It was an episode which proved to be a learning experience…. though it took an arduous course…. it was worth learning!!!

It was a gruelling task to forgive, forget and to move on because it was overshadowed by the feelings of guilt, revenge and hatred. The errands through proven paths bore no fruits…. and the paths less travelled by yielded no different results either. It was like a bootless effort going awry. Soon it took its toll on the toter and like a pallbearer he carried the coffin of his own misdeeds.

As time passed by…. the tidings of a growing life, beyond all hatred, echoed the blood pumping walls of the holder. Though he was no longer a part of this evolving life… his hatred started dethawing without any ails. The light of forgiveness illuminated his conscience as he grew out of his unwarranted loathings.

Now he wish that the Apostle spreads the light of love all around, that the curse of his bygone hatred would never let its pangs on the bearer!!!

Realization can dawn at anytime….. and now he understands that….. even angels can make mistakes!!

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”- Mark Twain

“And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the first fruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end.”– Holy Bible

At the dusk of another year, I am left with sundry feelings of apathy, procrastination, repugnance and guilt. Its nothing new and quite trivial to contemplate because the reminiscence of the past year haunt each one of us in one way or the other.

On the personal front, this year was good for me in parts but professionally I always drew the short straw in all occasions. In the end something has seriously smitten me…. I am exploring but unable to ascertain the exact cause… My ability to put my thoughts to meaty words have suddenly kicked the bucket…. Is it writers block??? Nahhhh…… it is laziness for sure and there are no two ways about it!!!!

As always, let me welcome the new year and hope for a fresh beginning, fresh thoughts and all the best things in life!!!!!!

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.”– Hal Borland

Pic courtesy: Internet

She might be around 12 years old… slim and beautiful…. with sleepy eyes, loosely tied hair, a heavy school bag on her shoulder and clad in a coffee brown pinafore with cream inner shirt…. a typical school girl. She lazily boarded the bus and with her droopy eyes she started exploring for a vacant seat. She was apprehensively eyeing the vacant seat next to me and slowly took a step forward but retraced nabbing her purpose at the last moment. She turned towards me, still fighting with her cerebrations and I gestured her to sit down. She sat down beside me but with great dubiety. The weariness due to a draggy day at school might have impelled her to make the decision.

She was not young enough to be my daughter and was not old enough to be my sister but I felt a similar bond with her. A fond regard which was unaccountable. The air around her, her slender arms with tiddly hairs, her visible cares of sitting with a man, the way she clumsily moved her head, her hand kerchief stained with blue ink, her uniform, the belt and the black shoes….. reminded me of the girls in my school days. I felt a sudden urge to go back to my school and to be with my friends.

In the short journey, I remembered all my friends in school- boys and girls, who were once an inherent part of my life.. whom I had gradually lost in the flux of time. I remembered everything… the small fights and quarrels, the pranks- on friends, teachers and all those who came by, the competitions- academic, curricular and extra curricular, the fests- house day, school day, sports day etc, the modest celebrations for Onam and Christmas, the treats for birthdays, the tensions of exams, the exultations and pain of results, the vacations, the rides in school bus, the thrill and anguish of being in love, the rules that were so tempting to be broken, the pangs of bidding adieu…. etc etc….

I sat beside the lovely girl and I felt as if I was back to the old halcyon school days. Such small instances can bring fond and warm memories of the bygone era. Though nostalgic, I felt so refreshed and happy too… inadvertently this little girl has made my day!!!!

It was one of the smallest mountains in the Eastern Alps. The ever stretching vegetation of oak trees and Scots pine was a treat to watch and it was like a dream come true for me. I had been traveling a lot and I wasn’t sure which country I was in… might be Switzerland or Austria. But I was feeling very much at home and I thanked my geography teacher for giving me such well-chiseled picture of these geographical areas that I never felt like in a unknown territory.

It was cold but dry and the gentle cold breeze flowing through the pine trees made a sweet whistle. I was on a special mission this time…. to take some candid shots of Alpine Apollo butterfly. Among the 20,000 species of butterflies inhabiting this vast earth…..I was wondering why I was attracted towards this particular creature. The reason might be my extreme liking for white colour or my liking for coddlers… like the spots that spoiled the purity of its wings.

I walked through the grove of pine trees to reach a small stretch of scrubland and was hoping for my catch there. These meadows were known to be the abode of such beautiful faunae. And as Google says “I’m feeling lucky” … I was also feeling lucky that day. A kaleidoscope of Appolo butterflies where fluttering on a tiny shrublet nearby. I had always kept the camera ready for any unforeseen action. I rested myself on the ground and adjusted my camera lens. And at that point of time my whole world was focussed on those tiny but beautiful creatures. The perfect frame was set and my brain initiated a signal to my index finger. I was about to click the best shot of my life…. but somebody shook me so hard that my camera slipped off from my hand. I was so furious and taken aback. I turned around to find out the culprit who spoiled my pricey shot. It was a very familiar face…….

“Get up!!! Today is Monday.You have to go to office today, right???” Amma shouted.
“You spoiled my precious shot… Amma” I complained. “And where is my camera??” I asked… still searching on the bed for my lost camera.
“What camera??? It might be in your cupboard” She said, hiding her shock.
“Get ready to go to office… you are already late” She continued and left my room.

I got up from my bed and stretched myself to get rid of the cramps. As I was about to get out of my room, I overheard the hushed voice of Amma… complaining to dad.

“He is very disturbed and has a lot of bad dreams these days. We should consult some astrologer and get a solution for this. I think its a very bad time for him…. Oh God….please take care of him!!!!!”

I retraced my steps and went back to bed wondering about the effect my “Alpine dream” had on my mom….!!!!!

The midnight ride in Oscar’s car ‘Hyundai i20’ is a routine affair for me. We travel together after the graveyard shift and he drops me near my lodge which is 5 kilometers away from our office. These trips extend to the city bus station on weekends, from where I take a bus back to my home town. I have followed this modus operandi for more than a year.

It was another such usual trip during last weekend. Oscar was guiding the car down the empty four lane and Osbern was playing with the FM stations at the rate of one station per second. I was tired and sleepy and wanted to hit the bed as soon as possible. But the realization that it would take another 4 hours for my wish to be granted, increased my weariness. The comfortable air conditioning inside the car was forcing my eye lids to droop and I was slowly yielding to the “Korean” comforts.

I was suddenly woken up by a loud noise from the radio. Osbern had tuned the radio frequency to a no signal channel which caused the sudden commotion. I looked around. We had almost reached the city bus stand where I was bound to alight. Oscar halted the car near the bus station entry and I slowly and lazily climbed out of the car and from its comforts. I waved them good bye and walked towards the bus bay thinking about the long and tiresome journey back home. The Korean comfort and KSRTC comfort are two contrasting things that I usually experience in a short span of time. This forced me to make a futile decision to buy a Korean comfort or at least an Indian one…. a futile decision ofcourse…. and I make such decisions every

Since it was Diwali weekend the buses parked in the station were crowded with passengers heading to their home for this festival. During normal weekends, there will be hardly ten passengers in a fifty seater super fast bus and I usually get the liberty to choose the most comfortable seat among the vacant lot.

My limbs started aching and I searched for a  bench to sit and relax till the arrival of the next bus to my destination. There was no vacant space left in any of the benches and I cursed my luck for this buggered night. At last I
decided to lean on a crumbled wall at a corner on the bus bay and I unburdened the growing heaviness from my shoulder and rested the bag on the floor.

And suddenly a strange thing caught my attention. About twenty meters away from me, a shabbily dressed man with long hair was making a loud speech. His countenance and the ruckus he created was a clear testimony of his mental condition. He appeared like a psycho from all angles. Since I had nothing to do but wait for the bus, I decided to heed an ear to this strange man’s speech. He was shouting aloud and that was slowly drawing everybody’s attention.

I had three beautiful daughters….. its not anyone’s fault that all the three were brutally raped… they paid the price for being beautiful….. b*t*hes…..!!!!” and he laughed aloud.

I am a Christian and I married her, who is from a lower caste, thinking that she will love me…. I fought with my parents just for her…… and one day she admitted that all the three daughters were not my kids….. and you know what…. I hacked her to death” He continued to laugh.

You know why these people are attacked everywhere??” He shouted pointing at the ladies sitting in the waiting room. “Its because these b*t*hes are beautiful” and he laughed again.

Suddenly his topic changed. “Buses bound to Delhi and Bombay have just departed and all the f**k*rs who missed the bus have to stay back in Kochi till morning and have to listen to me

Then again he went back to the old topic and repeated the same story. “I had three beautiful daughters…..

He was slowly losing all his audience who were waiting for the rest of his story but they were putting on an act as if they were not interested. It took another half an hour for my bus to arrive and during this interval, he repeated the same story innumerable times without even a slight variation in his tone or his words.

I boarded the bus….. and was amused at myself and the whole bunch of people who were listening to this man…. Who is more insane?? The man or the set of people including me who listened to him…..??? Lunacy and insaneness needs to be defined here….

As the bus departed, I looked at him through the glass window…. he had a new lot of audience listening to him….!!!!!

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