untitled-design-1.pngIt has been long 5 years since I last posted something here..

Life has changed, thoughts have deepened,  outlook has undergone a metamorphosis and so am I..

New roles I have embarked in life, that of a husband and father, have shown me another side of existence..

Interests that varied from politics to movies and from books to friends have diminished..

Now the greatest delight is to find the small and tiny pleasures in life by trying to keep your family happy all the time..

Family as an institution have its own identity and individuality but individuals in the family have no individuality..

Having said that, the pleasures of having one is priceless..

And it can never be a valid excuse for not being here..

But how much I wish to be back!!!

I have been absent…. absent…. absent….. for a long long time….. But my absence in this virtual world was marked by my real presence in the real world…. the real, real world! You might have already noticed the recurring of words in my sentences…. don’t misconstrue my disposition… I am not drunk.. I’m not!!! This is how I talk these days…. and I am loving the way I am being profound in expressing my thoughts in this twitter struck world where expressions are limited to 140 characters to the max!

Lot of things befell in the past 2 to 3 months….. IPL extravaganza, Shashi Tharoor stepping down from power, Lalit Modi’s downfall, Indian cricket teams ouster from T20 WC, Kerala Congress (Mani & Joseph) merger to become Kerala Congress (Johny) :-), Sania- Shoib wedding, Laila cyclone, Cochin IPL team, Maoist attacks, IPad launch, 3G auction, Bhopal Gas Tragedy verdict, Vishy becomes World Chess Champion, union of Ambani bros, and lots more….. I wanted to write about all these….. but a bigger twist occurred in my life which shook me from head to toe!!!! I got engaged to get married!!!!

Strange are the ways of matrimony…. or say arranged marriage…. your parents find your partner…. you start talking to this complete stranger with the strange motive of falling in love…. you plan your life with that person… in the course of time that person becomes close to you…. and you fall in love… arranged love! I never believed in this strange method but now I am a part of it… and soon started basking in it! But much depends on your partner.. his/her character, the way he/she carries herself/himself etc etc… so far it has been a joy ride… though with highs and lows, ups and downs… but end of the day we realize that we exist for a reason and with that realization we wipe our tears, leave everything behind and walk through the beautiful meadows and pastures…… towards the aeonian horizon… hand in hand…. and you whisper in each others ears…. love is here, life is here!!!

Pic courtesy- internet

“Get a life… man!!!” Kay shouted as he kick started his bike.

He didn’t even turn to look at me as he sped away leaving me in the middle of the deserted road… and from my life. Kay was the best of my friends and my partner in crime as we grew together from small looting to bigger, meatier and planned robberies. We achieved and usurped whatever we wanted.. from girls to money and from vehicles to bungalows. Force, trick, treachery, murder, rape, cheating, betrayal, treason, love were the tools in our trade!!! Our company had a rule… “Not to back stab each other” but I have broken the very rule!!!! The culprit should die… but Kay has left me alive.. spared my life… he knows that I will have a slow and painful death, bearing the pangs of deceiving my own self!!!!

My conscience was hurting me more than the wound. Blood was now oozing out through the deep cut in my stomach. We fought together till the last foe bit the dust. Kay never knew that the blade has ripped open my stomach… else he would have never left me to die.. even in these depraved circumstances. He had grown blind due to hatred…. a hatred which overpowered all the good moments we shared….. and I was the one who ruined everything….. my greed for money, power and love. Even when we parted, he had left the last booty with me….. a suit case full of money…!!!

I was lying there in a pool of blood… with nobody to help….. just a suit case full of hard currency by my side!! A deserving end to an avaricious bastard…… me!!!!

I had a bagful of resolutions to start this new year. Being the 20th day of the new year, I did a recap to analyze the success of my resolutions. As expected, none of the resolutions were even kick started, let alone fulfilled. The only thing that is still unchanged is my desire for change. “Desire” should be read as The-feeling-that-accompanies-an-unsatisfied-state!!!

The list goes like this:

1. Quit smoking: It has always adorned my resolutions list for the past few years and has been considered as the top priority. No results yet!

2. Save money: To learn the art of perseverance to save at least a morsel of what I earn. But I understand that I lack tenaciousness of those little creatures- Ants! No prizes for guessing the result!!

3. Be a good son: Always a top priority but still unfulfilled! Spend more time with the family.

4. Growth: Don’t misunderstand this term for the lateral, medial, horizontal or vertical growth of my body. It has nothing to do with my physique. Growth here is strictly related to my professional growth- either in the same milieu or some other greener pastures.

Now on I am not going to explain the results because I have already described it in the first paragraph.

5. Get married: To be on course with the orthodox world. OR for social, physical and emotional balance or imbalance… whatever!!!

6. Go dutch: Not to sponsor or put the bigger share in any more parties or weekly get togethers. Not to spent plenteously. This is an extension of point 2.

7. Limit pro bono activities: Though a negative resolution, I would like to limit whatever pro bono activities I used to do. Again an extension of point 2.

8. Work out regularly: Do exercises and increase all physical activities to keep my body fit and fat free. To take a control over all life style related diseases. It is related to point 1 but has no relation with point 4.

9. Be a good friend: I bet I am one but  a bit of refining is required. This is last in my list because it requires minimal effort but is still unrealized!

10. Final one: This is a secret resolution!! No wild guesses please….. 🙂

It has been months and years since the derailment… Unquestionably it had some immediate casualties but in the long run everyone associated with it.. survived!! Looking back, it was a tale of love, passion, lust, deceit, mudslinging, lying, hurt, infatuation and what not…. It was an episode which proved to be a learning experience…. though it took an arduous course…. it was worth learning!!!

It was a gruelling task to forgive, forget and to move on because it was overshadowed by the feelings of guilt, revenge and hatred. The errands through proven paths bore no fruits…. and the paths less travelled by yielded no different results either. It was like a bootless effort going awry. Soon it took its toll on the toter and like a pallbearer he carried the coffin of his own misdeeds.

As time passed by…. the tidings of a growing life, beyond all hatred, echoed the blood pumping walls of the holder. Though he was no longer a part of this evolving life… his hatred started dethawing without any ails. The light of forgiveness illuminated his conscience as he grew out of his unwarranted loathings.

Now he wish that the Apostle spreads the light of love all around, that the curse of his bygone hatred would never let its pangs on the bearer!!!

Realization can dawn at anytime….. and now he understands that….. even angels can make mistakes!!

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”- Mark Twain

As the day came coursing by
storming me with all its chide
I wished the seconds would fly
for the bud to be by my side.

The tiny rosebud sated my living
as I warded her from all frays and chafes
She cried her way in to being
and my soul fared to moor at the wharf!!